Layman's Terms

My girlfriend Tegan's twin sister Amanda recently called me and asked, "What are retained earnings?" She was working on her company's financials and had stumbled upon a term that she had heard of before but did not fully understand and now had to use intelligently at work. For me, the definition of a company's retained earnings is about as rudimentary as you can get. But for her, with no business background, my text-book definition lead to even more questions. What she wanted was an explantion in terms that she could understand. What she didn't want, nor had time for, was an entire lesson on the intricacies of a company's financial statements.

This is the reason why the concept of specialization exists. Amanda speaks fluent French and works at the French chamber of commerce. Makes sense. My understanding of the French language does not extend beyond a Nintendo video game console (a Wii, get it?), but that's fine because I work in finance. Something as common to me as retained earnings could look like a forein language to someone else.

So, I thought I'd take the time to explain some other very common things (to me anway) in simple terms. Hopefully, we'll all be on the same page.

iPad: An extremely expensive toy that gives a false sense of coolness and will be obsolete in 5 minutes.

Cell Phone: A device that digitizes one's voice, allowing users to talk to each other over vast distances and slam into each other on the highway.

Glenn Beck: The most scared man in the world.

Internet: A horizontally structured, digital network that gives users access to unlimited information, efficient markets, and social connections but is mostly used for stalking and pornography.

NFL: Roman Gladiators 2.0

Politics: The art of lying, cheating, bickering, backstabbing, posturing, playing dumb, making false promises, and forgetting everything one has ever said, all in the name of patriotism.

Collateralized Mortgage Obligation: Thousands of pieces of shit bundled and wrapped in a really, really expensive and confusing bow

Cheesy Gordita Crunch: A blend of tortilla, cheese, meat filler, sour cream, lettuce, and tomato that has a utility inversely related to sobriety.

Airplane: A vehicle that uses thrust and lift to transport people and spread colds.

Fox News Comments Section: The area below an article that allows angry, sad, stupid, and lazy people to add back to society.

Pâté: Cat food.

Marriage: When two young adults fall in love and decide to spend the next 15-20 years with each other.

Charlie Sheen: My hero.