Not News: "Unemployed Man Sick of Telemarketers Getting His Hopes Up"

CHICAGO, IL – A  local 28-year old man has been unemployed for the past 6 months since getting laid off at Kinko’s. Zack Tucker has applied to over a 100 jobs in the area, but continues to wait for an offer, which is why he gets so annoyed every time a telemarketer calls. “Each time that phone rings from an unknown number, I just get giddy thinking that someone from Jamba Juice is finally going to offer me a job. Instead, it’s Steve from Comcast telling me about their latest stupid deals. It’s almost as if they’re doing it on purpose.” In fact, telemarketers are doing it on purpose. Steve from Comcast explains, “We love the unemployed. First, we know they’re home, especially during the day. Second, they’re desperate for human contact so they’re definitely going to pick up the phone. And third, they’re clearly terrible with financial planning so they’re more likely to buy shit they don’t need.” To prove it, Steve sold Zack an additional 100 channels so he has something to do while he “parks his fast ass on the couch.” When reached for comment, Mrs. Tucker was surprised to hear that her son is unemployed and that his phone is, in fact, working.